My son has been married for 15 yrs. They are 40ish. After 5 years they had a son. Then she started having seizures. She was over medicated for epilepsy for a year then brain waves tested and determined the seizures were coming from the wrong side of the brain. They went to plan b with the doctor saying it was associated with post partum depression and lots of women have seizures with post partum. She didn't have the depression associated with it just the seizures. (I have never heard about seizures being associated with post partum depression). Then they went into family counseling to deal with stress and other medications to keep her stable. Then the second child was born and she started having the seizures again and right away they knew what was necessary to control them so they were short lived.

However, sometime prior to the birth of the second child I started to witness some of her extreme unreasonable anger to my son at which time she would leave the room for a short cry, return soon and apologize to me. She is a type A personality, has a lot of the classic symptoms of bipolar (high spending habits, cant sleep, over achiever, hopelessness) 'wide mood swings' (have not witnessed depression) (family stepping around her as if on thin ice) and at that time I asked her if she had ever asked the doctor about the possibility of bi polar as I have a brother in law who is being treated for bi polar. She said she had asked the doctor. Recently, now 5 years after the birth of the second child, I am questioning if she really had asked her doctor about bipolar. I have begun to suspect again the bipolar and have tried to come up with a way to approach my son or her family about the possibility. Of course the hostility is all addressed at hubby; he is quiet and just rides the storm out. They have a business that she runs together with hubby. However, youngest child is now expressing his anger by screaming and he is 5. I think he is just mimicking his mother. They are a close family and doting parents to the boys.

She has recently become very close to her mother who is in stage 4 of cancer but in control of it at the moment and outwardly looks healthy, and an older sister who is 50ish. Presently those two live together. Father is recently deceased. I get along with my daughter in laws I 'know my place'... only a couple of times has she hung up on me on the phone, lolls. I doubt if I am a candidate to approach her or even to ask my son to approach her (unless her family teams up with him). I love her mother and sister who are very sweet. I am thinking I should visit with her family and go over the possibility of bipolar and see if they could approach her or her and my son. They have also witnessed her spending, anger at hubby, sleeplessness, mood swings etc. (she is a twin and her sister is normal) Can you think of another way that I should proceed? It sure seems to me that if she has experienced a brain misfunction with the seizures that bipolar is a high possibility. She also has a close friend who has gotten her, hubby and kids involved in church. But I'm thinking that the mother and sister are the way I should go.

PMS is right around the corner for her and I hate to think how it will add stress to the situation if this existing condition doesn't get under control.

Thank you, from a concerned mother in law.
Sharon

Dear Sharon,

You may be right that she is dealing with bipolar disorder. Only a qualified professional can make an accurate diagnosis though. It's a delicate situation when approaching someone about the possible presence of a mental illness. But that doesn't mean we should avoid the subject.

Does your son agree that her behavior might be due to in part to a bipolar disorder? If so, he might be the person to talk with her about it. You're wise to see that having someone she feels close to and trusts is a good candidate for starting a dialogue. And once the topic is 'on the table' - the next step is to go with her to talk with her GP or specialist if she has one.

I have several suggestions for the person who will initiate the discussion:

• Be prepared for some resistance. If you're nervous role play the conversation with someone. Rehearse it, anticipating different responses. Remember: just because an individual gets defensive or upset, doesn't mean you've done the wrong thing. Also, remind the person that your suggestion there might be a mental illness present, doesn't mean that there is; only that it might be worth exploring.
• Use the first conversation to open the possibility of a dialogue and establish some rapport, not get them to see it 'your way'. If it seems appropriate to directly ask about bipolar illness, then do so. But it might just be to say you're here if they need you.
• Focus on behavior, not character. Pointing to changes in the person's behavior is less threatening than having their personality under a microscope. Remove all judgment from your voice, words and body language and instead be caring, compassion and kind.

  E.G.: "I've noticed you used to go for a walk everyday. Now I notice you stopped. Is everything okay?" or "I remember you used to laugh a lot. For the past couple months, I've noticed you're not laughing much anymore. Is there anything you'd like to talk about? I'm here if you need me."

• Have information handy to leave with the person. Ensure it's simple, clear and user-friendly. Find a concise brochure from a reputable mental health website, from OBAD or another local mental health organization. Make sure it is optimistic about prognosis, highlights that it is treatable and that the disorder is not a personality weakness, but a physical illness.
• And lastly and really most importantly: Be loving and empathize. Reiterate you're talking to them about this because you care and see them struggling. Repeat your suggestion isn't meant as a criticism, although it might feel that way to them. It is meant as support. And: Love them. Love them. Love them.

I hope you or someone in the family finds a way to have this dialogue with your daughter in-law. Many good wishes to you. Warmest, Victoria