My father was recently diagnosed as having bipolar type II. He was prescribed Zyprexa and Wellbutrin. He is 51 years old and besides suffering from depression from time to time and repressing hurtful or regretful emotions, he was ok. He is receiving therapy from a psychotherapist.

My question is: why is he able to function great/better around stressful or difficult events like his job or his relationship with this mother, yet treats his spouse horribly and does not show any form of emotion towards his children? Is he doing this because he feels that we can handle it and it is safe? His two worst nightmares were his mother and his job yet he is able to show and express compassion and interest in them now. Help!

Tammy

Dear Tammy,

Your father may be able to function better at his job and around his mother for a couple of reasons. I can only speak from my own experience. When I was working, yet still having tremendous ups and downs with my mood disorder – I kept up a mask at work. I felt I had to. My job was at stake. And I could do it for the 8 or so hours I was there. If I had acted as surly as I did at home, it wouldn't be tolerated for very long. With certain people, I too wore a facade, so questions wouldn't be asked, so I could pretend I was fine and not worry them. And in large part, so my shame wouldn't be exacerbated.

Yet with my parents, I let my guard down and revealed just how awful I felt and how poorly I was functioning. Treating them pretty dreadfully at times, if truth be told – acting ungrateful, belligerent and distant. I rationalized, consciously or unconsciously, I could do this because my family loved me, therefore it was okay and would be no repercussions. Not true of course. I also knew I would not be abandoned. True, my parents did not give up on me, but this didn't make my behavior any more acceptable. I didn't know how else to cope. And I was only just learning the skills to more appropriately deal with my emotions and the ramifications of my illness. It may be the best your father can do. It feels very personal I'm sure, but it may be the only way he knows how to be in his current situation.

You probably feel angry, resentful and hurt, understandably. This may also mean you miss your ‘old' dad. You could tell him that. Not in hopes he'll change– that's always a dangerous expectation, but so you can connect with him – whether he chooses to or not. It's important to tell him how you feel in a gentle, non-critical way –much easier said than done, I know. But harsh judgmental comments will only widen the gap between you. If you can say your piece without strings attached, it can be extremely healing – for you. You know your situation best –it's a suggestion only.

All this being said, I am not excusing your father's behavior. Yours needs, of course, are just as important as his, as too are his spouse's, but he may not be able to meet them, at least not right now. The fact he's receiving therapy is a good sign and should be of great benefit.

My mother had bi-polar disorder and at times our family life was, let's just say, less than pleasant. It was crucial for me to make sense of her actions so I didn't think the chaos was my fault. I needed to talk to someone about what was happening and about my feelings. I saw my parents interact in way I would rather have not. It was devastating. Please, if you feel you are finding yourself not knowing what to do – get support for yourself. I needed an objective, caring third party. I could talk to my dad, but I needed a more specific kind of guidance. My dad was too close to our messy family stuff – so I chose to see a counselor. I'm a big fan of therapy. It gets me to take personal responsibility for my life and my feelings. And it galvanizes me into healthy action. It's cliché but true, the only person you can change is yourself. Your father may or may not change, but how you deal with him can.

At the same time, speaking to him about how you would like to connect more, may open dialogue or he might explain why is behaving the way he is. Knowledge can makes things easier to bear. He may or he may not do this. But whether he does or not will become less important, as you take steps to take care of yourself.

May things get easier for your family. Things can get better. But it takes time and that ‘in between time' is some of the toughest going.

All the best, Victoria