Dear Lisa,

I saw your website OBAD and wanted to seek your advice. My sister who is 5 years younger stopped speaking to me this past Mother's Day. I went to her home, bought food, helped her cook it for her family and as we finished the meal she and her son were sitting at the other end of the table and he (14) mumbled something to her and she said to me "Do you want to play a game?" I thought they meant a board game (because it was raining outside and she had him bring in a game that was out there before dinner). I said I didn't like board games and she snapped, "You never want to do anything with the family." I was
surprised by her sudden anger and said "Why is it when I don't want to do something it is taken personally but anyone here at this table can say no without an incident."

She got up from the table with her son - (the father and my 2 nieces had already left to do their thing in the house) and I was left there w/my friend (male) sitting for 20 minutes thinking she just went to the bathroom or would return. I go looking and she's outside washing her car with her son!!! I said, "How would you like it if you came to my home for dinner and I left you sitting at the table with your family." She repeated "You don't want to do anything with 'the family.'" Her 14 year old son was standing behind her (she couldn't see his face) grinning at me from ear to ear - he had given me alot of mouth and wise cracks when I had babysitted for her the month leading up to this. I became angrier at his joy over our altercation and said something I regret. I said, "You are upset because HE (her son) wanted to play a game and I set no - that upset him....what a shame. I never get respect for my feelings here. You should have him up your you know what." I did not say a** - I said it just as written. And I left. The next day I wrote her a sorry card, telling her of her son's expression....nothing. I picked up my neice as she had already asked me to on Thurs. that week (her husband called me to remind me)....she didn't call. I wrote another card. Nothing. I sent her a gift envelope w/another card 2 weeks ago and the most hurtful thing happened - I received the package at my home with her scribble on it marked "REFUSED." She never opened it.

We lost our mother (who lived w/me - I am single) 4 years ago and I have no other family. She did this to me a year ago at tax time when we had a disagreement but it only lasted a month. I am beside myself and am being treated for depression. I can't live like this. In Sept. we need to renew our phone contracts and she won't answer my emails about what she wants to do. I need her to go w/me to the store to do it.

I know her son has said a lie about me and made her hate me from this incident and she has him now - she doesn't need me. I have always done whatever she asked - babysitting, picking up the children, dinner, whatever...my friend has helped her too. I am not perfect but how can she do this to me for so long.? Her husband and she have alot of tension because he lost his job and is only teaching part time. She is trying to make up the $ with her own business....now the son is helping in summer (she didn't need me this summer when school's out - husband home, etc.) I feel like I was never part of her family because of this - just a thing. Now I am all alone and even though I have friends I feel abandoned and lost. She changed from the month before saying "I am so lucky to have you as a sister." Saying thank you....to this.

Can you give me some advice.

Thank you.
C.

Hello, it sounds to me as if you tried to reconcile with your sister and it also sounds like you have made it clear to her that you are available to work things out. She is likely angry and hurt and some people handle these feelings by withdrawing rather than moving towards the other person. How do you remain open and available to her without continuing to send her messages and calling her and trust that one day she will contact you to reconnect with you?

I am someone who used to hold a grudge for a long time and carry a resentment towards the other person who I perceived hurt me and I would withdraw and withhold from them rather than work it through. I was also afraid of conflict and would do anything to avoid it. Is this true of your sister and perhaps of you as well? It takes time for some people to lick their wounds and do you have the necessary patience to wait until your sister is ready to make some peace with you. I am happy that you were willing to say that you were SORRY, it is such an important word and when it is said often enough the other person generally softens and it takes time.

Warmly, Lisa