Hello.

My significan't other (we were engaged until recently) has bi polar disorder. He's on Effexor, which is doing well for some of the mental stability issues, however, he refuses to hold a job and is constantly lying about the smallest things. I always catch him in it then everything blows up. Is this a common problem? I don't trust him at all anymore, which just breaks my heart because I love this guy and would like for things to work out, but at this juncture I'm not sure that they will. Any suggestions or comments you have would be well appreciated.

Thank you.
R.

Hi R.

Some people do engage in constant lying and yet, I wouldn’t say it is a common problem. Some people lie because they want to build themselves up so that they appear bigger and more successful than they are or they lie because they know that the other person expects something “better or more” from them. Others lie because their partners(is this true for you?) are not wanting or able to handle the truth about what is really going on. Some people lie because they believe that what they say is true or at least it is their version of the truth. We all have different perceptions of “the truth”.

Have you told your partner how you feel about the fact that he is lying to you and if it is true, that you want to hear the truth from him? If he continues to lie to you, then you need to ask yourself what are you doing with someone who is not willing or able to speak truthfully to you. Because I am on a growth path myself, I am always willing to take in what is happening in my partner so that I can learn more about myself. So if my partner were lying to me, I would ask myself “How am I lying to myself or to others?” How are you lying to yourself about what is really happening or not happening in this relationship?

Someone recently said to me “you know sometimes love is not enough” to keep a relationship together. There are certain bottom line needs that we need to have fulfilled if we are to stay in a relationship and if telling the truth and even holding a job represent two of those bottom line needs for you, then you need to let your partner know that these things need to change if you are going to continue to stay in this relationship.

Good luck and thanks for writing,

Warmly, Lisa