My name is C.

I found this web site and I have been having some trouble, so I would really appreciate if somone read this and replyed. (Im 15)

Ok. So It all started when I read a book called "Cut" I didnt find it disturbing at all that the main character cut herself. Later that month, I got really upset and decided to try it. I only used a paper clip, but I realized how much I liked it. It gave me a "release" of my emotions. I slowly graduated from a paper clip to sharper things.

After a long time, my depression grew, and so did the amount of times I cut myself. I also noticed that I got mad at the most dumbest things. I finally told my mom about the cutting..she freaked and got lots of books to help me stop.

I stopped for a year, till my depression got too much fr me to handle again. My softball coach noticed me always depressed, and she talked to me and she (somehow) got out of me about my cutting, depression, anger, and even my thoughts of suicide. (Im not good at talking about my emotions.) She called my mom and told her what she found out.

My mom took me to a psyciatrist. She said Im bipolar with some OCD. She gave me meds and I thought that I was better. the next time I went back, she raised it and now im on 200 mg of Lamectal.

I was starting to get sooo muchbetter, but lately I have been cutting myself again and im getting depressed. I still make a big deal out of things, and sometimes I get so worried about stuff that I hyperventalate.

I have no clue what to do. I dont want to worry my mom about all of this cuz she has enough on her hands to have to worry about me again.

I know that you might think im just some stupid, immature 15 year old girl being dramatic..but my feelings are overwelming a lot of the time.

Please give me some advice...

Thank you for you time.
C.

Hi C.,

I am so happy that you wrote in and expressed what is happening with you.

There is a close relationship between depression, anger and the desire to cut yourself. Firstly, the relationship between depression and anger is that unexpressed anger that accumulates in the body can lead to depression. If anger does not find some outlet, like through talking to someone or expressing it outwards (using a punching bag, for example), then it builds up in your body and the body can only hold so much accumulated anger (and other feelings as well). So an unexpressed person can become ‘depressed’. Now there are many other explanations for the onset of depression, including illness, family heredity and biochemical imbalances.

The relationship between anger and cutting, is that someone, like yourself C., who has difficulty expressing her feelings, feels better when you cut yourself because your feelings, like anger, are released from your body through the action of cutting your skin. I have heard young people tell me how the accumulated pressure of their anger was released when they cut themselves. They also describe how they previously felt so numb and that the cutting allowed them to feel something for the first time in a long time. It gave them a sense that they were alive. Cutting or self-mutilation is very harmful to yourself C. and it is a hurtful way to feel and express your pent-up emotions. It is completely natural to have feelings of anger, sadness, fear and hurt. And it is completely natural to express your feelings. In fact, the body’s instinct is to release its feelings because its natural state is not to keep emotions bottled up inside.

I encourage you to tell your mother about your continued depression and cutting. I am a mother of a 19 year old son and I would want to know if he were engaging in cutting. I believe that your mother would want to know about what was happening with you as well. This is not something that you can or need to handle on your own. If expressing your feelings is difficult for you, then asking for help may be a challenge for you as well. I felt the same way several years ago when I needed help for my depression. I believed that because I was a psychologist I ‘shouldn’t’ ask for help because I was ‘supposed’ to have it all together. This was so far from the truth. So I reached out and found some help and my depression was alleviated several years ago. So I encourage you to reach out to your mother and ask her for some help. I would advise you to get her to help you find a therapist who can encourage you to feel and express your feelings more openly rather than resort to hurting yourself to make you feel something.

C., would you please contact me again and let me know whether you received the help that you needed.

Much warmth,

Lisa