Dear Lisa, My son suffers from what, I believe, is social anxiety disorder as do I, his biological mother. He is extremely nervous and places and meeting people at school. He hides it well, although he He seems to also have some self esteem issues as he is easily led by peers someone he met at school for shoplifting. He did not originally want to needed to have at least one friend through out the summer. he also seems to himself a genius, with worries me that he will be setting himself up for of pointing out peoples flaws.

I have tried discussing this with him and he disagree on what should be done. Because there is a history with both myself has heard us talk of these problems and “inherited them” that way and that if he still is that if he does actually suffer from social anxiety it will affect his years through and may at some point becomes overwhelmed with the isolation. He does not talk taken any action yet.

What would you suggest I do?

Any suggestions would be great.

Charlene

Hi Charlene, I tend to agree with you around seeking some counseling support for your son now rather than waiting until he is older.

Has he actually been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? If not, this would be a good place to start. You could take him to a clinical psychologist/physician/psychiatrist or someone in your area who has the professional credentials to properly diagnose mental health issues. He may in fact not be clinically anxious or depressed, he may be a very shy, more introverted young man who is less apt to socialize and to talk about what is going on for him. It would be important to have a thorough assessment completed to distinguish whether he has an anxiety disorder or whether his behavior is more a reflection of his general temperament.

Are you getting any help yourself around your social anxiety and your depression? I suffered about 6 years ago from both social anxiety and depression and I was on several medications to treat both of these conditions. I found a therapist who I have been seeing since then and I have been off of any medication for 5 years now. I also found that as I healed in these areas, my son, who also suffered from anxiety and tended to keep things to himself, has healed has well. Children are predisposed to inherit our mental health conditions and yet they are also like baby ducklings who mimick and model their parents behavior, so it is important to get the help that you need so that you can provide a healthy role model to your son.

I know as a parent who suffered from mental health issues that I also worried that my son was going to suffer from the same maladies that I did, and sure enough, the more I worried the more he suffered. So as parents we need to be careful not to project what we are suffering from onto them. Being quiet and not talking much and not having many friends does not necessarily indicate that he suffers from social anxiety like you do. It is also important not to share our own personal problems with our children so that they do not have to carry the burden of feeling like they have to take care of us or to be weighted down by worrying about us. This is a mistake that I made while raising my son. One other thing that I feel sad about was being over protective of my son so that he did not get the opportunity to fail and to feel his own fear about being in new situations. He also did not need to learn to speak for himself because I spoke for him so much of the time. Once I became quieter, he started to speak up more and to socialize with others more.

However Charlene, should you discover through some professional intervention that he does in fact have a social anxiety disorder, then I would recommend that he attend a therapeutic group that is oriented towards working with people who are socially anxious. Just being in a group setting assists him to learn to interact with others and to learn skills like engaging in eye contact with others. I don’t know what city you live in, but there was a group at the Foothills Hospital that was designed for persons with social anxiety.

Regarding your sons tendency to boast about his intelligence, I have found that boasting helps us to feel, at least in the moment, better about ourselves. Also, if we put others down by picking out their flaws this also helps us to feel better about ourselves relative to others. Is there another area of his life that he could accomplish something, that is, develop some mastery in, so that he can learn to feel better about himself?

Best of luck,

Warmly,

Lisa